Chronic pain is a divider. It splits us into those who can go about their daily lives without a second thought and those for whom every movement can have an impact, cause a negative emotion or significant pain. 

This disconnect can have a profound effect on relationships. Previously strong partnerships, friendships and work relationships can be thrown off-kilter, with neither party sure how to navigate the changes.

If you experience chronic pain, you’ll know that even the most sympathetic and caring people around you may still find it hard to empathise. After all, people with chronic pain don’t look ill and their limitations can change from day to day, which can be hard for others to understand. Friends and family may also suffer ‘compassion fatigue’ due to the ongoing nature of your condition.

On the other side, you may be experiencing feelings of frustration, fear and isolation. Frustration that no one fully understands what you’re going through, fear that chronic pain is causing your relationships to suffer, and feeling isolated and detached from those around you.

If you’ve found your once-strong connections changing because of your chronic pain, try not to worry. These ‘relationshifts’ are not uncommon. In this blog, we’ll look at the impact of chronic pain on relationships and discuss how to navigate those changes.

Chronic pain and your relationship with yourself

Chronic pain doesn’t just affect your ability to tackle the day-to-day, it can also take its toll on your confidence, self-esteem and mental health. People with chronic pain are three times more likely to experience depression or anxiety. Pain (or the fear of it) can begin to dictate your behaviour, energy and mood, and you can become resentful of everything you can’t do, and perhaps of those who don’t have such limitations.

It can be tempting to cocoon yourself away from other people, but isolation can have a detrimental effect on your pain. A 2018 review of various studies suggests that higher levels of isolation can lead to stronger perception of pain, stating, “Evidence within the fields of pain and rehabilitation science suggests social interactions play an important role in both the stress response and perception of pain.”

Most of us would agree that valued relationships are worth working on. This is especially true if you have chronic pain. Not only do we need the strength and support of our friends, colleagues and relatives, but we also need the life-affirming joy that good relationships can bring – laughter, shared experiences and the comfort of knowing that we’re not alone.

PARTNER

Relationshift

Our partners are the people we depend on the most and expect the most amount of support from. They’re also the people who will be most profoundly impacted by the changes. 

On a practical level, you may no longer be able to do the things you used to, such as certain household tasks, ferrying children around or walking the dog, so your partner may have to pick up the slack. That can leave them feeling frustrated, especially if they (even subconsciously) think you are exaggerating the pain. They may also feel resentful that they’re expected to do the lion’s share of household management and care for you in between. 

Then there’s the emotional impact. Living with a loved one with chronic pain, watching them struggle or emotionally shut down can take its toll. Sometimes constant talk about pain, or non-verbal pain cues can wear people down and there could even be a tendency to tune out. 

You, on the other hand, may feel resentful that your partner doesn’t fully understand your pain and limitations. You may feel frustrated that your needs aren’t being met or you feel that you aren’t being listened to. You may feel worried that you’re no longer attractive or fun in your partner’s eyes or that you’ve become a burden to them.

What to do

Communication is key here. Make time to listen to each other. Discuss what you both need, how you are feeling or how you can help each other. Be a team. Plan and set goals to help you both accomplish chores and admin, exercise and activities that sit comfortably within each other’s limits.

Information is crucial to helping people understand about chronic pain. You should both be involved in your treatment plan. Attend doctor’s appointments together and make sure to loop your partner in with any complementary pain management programme you undertake. 

Make sure you have time together away from a carer/care receiver role. Whether that’s cooking a meal or watching a film, it’s important to include regular quality couple time.

You also need to ensure that you each leave time for self-care and to prioritise your own needs.

AT WORK

Relationshift

A 2019 survey of employers and people with chronic pain revealed the obstacles that can stand in the way of a fulfilling working life. Confidence was a key factor, with both sides worried about the employee being able to do their job to the same standard as before. Many felt concerned about losing their jobs if they disclosed their chronic pain status. And there is a fear, partly justified, that some employers and colleagues class those with chronic pain as simply ‘lazy’.

If you live with chronic pain, you’ll know that how you feel doesn’t always tally with how you look. And this can be especially hard to navigate among people that perhaps don’t know you as intimately as those who live with you, such as your work colleagues.

Colleagues and line managers may at best not understand the full extent of your limitations, or at worst be resentful or distrusting of them. They may not understand why you may have some days where you can’t just come in.

How to navigate

As before, the best thing is to have an open and honest conversation so both sides know what to expect. Don’t struggle on silently with chronic pain – your work and your work relationships will suffer for it. 

Agree a plan with your manager that sets out what you need to be able to do your job. This could include the opportunity of home working when you need to or ergonomic equipment that allows you to do your job more comfortably. Flexible hours may also be a solution, particularly if you find that your pain tends to be worse at certain times. Involve your HR representative in any conversations as they should be more informed on chronic pain conditions and can help you set a plan in motion. 

If you feel comfortable doing so, speak to your close colleagues about your condition. They may not know much about chronic pain and so it can be helpful to explain a little about it and how it affects you. You can then agree a less-formal action plan with them. Explain that some days you may be coming in late or leaving earlier, or that you may have days when you’ll need to work at home without any notice. Agree the channels that you’ll be contactable on in these cases. Luckily, remote working is now commonplace, so both businesses and employees are more flexible and open-minded about how we work and when.

FRIENDS

Relationshift

As you’ll no doubt know, the significance of your pain can vary from day to day. And it’s hard to know how you’ll be feeling, say, a week from now. This can make arranging social plans difficult. And your friends may find it frustrating when you regularly have to cancel at the last minute. It can also be hard for them to come to terms with the fact that you’re not ‘getting better’ – that by its very nature, chronic pain doesn’t just go away.

You may also both be mourning the loss of the relationship you had pre-chronic pain. Perhaps your relationship was centred around long walks, live music or a love of running, which you now struggle to do. With both of you no longer sure what your relationship is, both sides can withdraw. Friends may stop inviting you to things and you may stop contacting friends through fear of rejection. 

This can cause low self-esteem and propel you to isolate yourself even further. Resentment of missing out can lead to complicated feelings about those who don’t have to modify their lifestyle like you now have to.

How to navigate

Both sides have to learn to be flexible and not to have any expectations from each other. 

An open and honest conversation can be useful. Let friends know if you’d still like to be invited to certain events or activities, even if four times out of five you won’t be able to do it. On the other hand, you could let them know if there are some things you’d rather not be involved in – ie you can’t get fomo if you don’t know about it! 

You can also be the one to instigate plans. Could you modify some of your old favourite activities to make them more accessible for you, such as meeting for a few laps of the pool instead of running, or shorter brunches in favour of long dinners?

Explain to your friends about the unpredictability of your condition and that if you do have to cancel plans at the last minute, it’s nothing personal. Are they happy to keep plans loose so you can easily adapt them if need be? For example, if you’d made plans to go out for dinner but don’t feel up to it on the day, would they be happy coming over to yours for a takeaway instead?

When it comes to chronic pain and relationships, just like any aspect of your life, it’s about finding a new way to do it. With a little bit of communication on both sides, you’ll be able to find a way.

If you’re experiencing chronic pain, whether that’s due to fibromyalgia, arthritis or back pain, in Harrogate, Leeds or the surrounding areas, pain management coach, Fiona Beard, can help you gain control of your pain and rejoin your life. Simply get in touch to arrange a free 20-minute consultation with Fiona by calling 07538 639 326 or emailing info@harrogatepainmanagement.co.uk.